Get Rich Online: For Seriously

I’m tired of seeing all the “make money online” website tips that just don’t work or are impractical to apply, so I’m going to go ahead and spill the only real secrets to making obscene amounts of money online. For free, no strings attached, laid out in a nice bulleted list and straight to the point.

I hope that by doing this many of those sites will fess up to the fact that there are only a small handful of ways (listed below exclusively) to guarantee a big income while blogging, and will cease and desist from creating any further make money blogs once this secret is out.

With no further ado, I present you with the only five guaranteed ways to make money online.

• Sell your soul to Satan. By negotiating your soul with the Prince of Darkness, you are sure to guarantee a steady stream of visitors, nay… souls, to your website everyday which will help your pagerank, linkbacks, clickthroughs and ultimately your wallet. But remember that your soul now belongs to the devil and when you finally pass on you’ll have to reside in Hell for eternity. A small price to pay for success, however.

• Become a hardcore pornographer. If you’re a man, the best way to go about this is to become a site administrator, since none of us wants to see your junk anyway. If you’re a woman on the other hand, you’ll find a lot more options are available to you. Mainly because we are definitely looking forward to seeing your naughty bits and are willing to shell out money for this almost certainly.

• Move to Manila. Manila is the capital of the Philippines. If you haven’t run into a “pinoy blog” yet, you’re obviously a beginner and should forget about making money online for the time being and consider taking a computer science course. If you don’t fall into the previous category however, definitely move to the Phillippines immediately, create a “pinoy blog,” join Entrecard, ???, profit.

• Less content, more ads. Because every little bit of white space (aka negative space, empty space) you leave on your site represents another dollar that’s not in your pocket. The truth of the matter is, the more content (or empty space) on your site the less room you have for more advertising squares, banners, and widgets. What’s more important to you, making money online or posting on your blog about what your dog did today?

• Join all Social Networking Sites. And I do mean all of them. Unless you don’t want to get your site out there in front of future audiences, you should not neglect this vital step to becoming obscenely rich online. Be sure to add every single person that’s ever been on the internets to your various myspace, facebook and related networking sites; and for the love of God don’t forget to post regularly (at least once a minute) about something you’ve added to your site.

And there you have it. Five very simple but guaranteed ways to secure your financial success on the world wide web.

You’re welcome.