Escape from Chinatown

Also hereafter known as Big Trouble in Little Thunderdome.

Yes, this is a mashup; and a weird one at that. Take one part Thunderdome (the Thunderdome itself, from Mad Max), one part Snake Plissken and one part Jack Burton, and we have ourselves a battle royal between two movie tough guys that would have Don King creaming in his pants.

The question here is: two men enter, which man leaves? Tale of the Tape follows.

• Jack Burton (Big Trouble in Little China). He’s tough, he’s cool, and he has Confucius-like advice that he spits out which could make any man crumble in zen-like fashion. Also, reflexes. This guy must have been playing Guitar Hero from the day it came out, because he has dexterity and lightning fast reaction time as if he’s been hammering on the fretboard in overdrive for about 300 years without an intermission.

• Snake Plissken (Escape from NY, Escape from LA). He doesn’t say much, but when he does you better fucking listen. Because it’s probably the last thing you’ll ever hear, right before he shoots you in your stupid face. This cat is pure badass. From the eyepatch, denim and leather he wears to the five o clock shadow that’s on a twenty four - seven cycle, he just looks like he’d smash the shit out of you without blinking, literally, an eye.

So which one of these guys would reign supreme? (Did you catch the Iron Chef reference there? Mashup +1) Let’s examine the strength and weaknesses of each combatant.

Jack Burton

Pros:

1. Reflexes like a cobra.
2. Carries a sharp knife and often an SMG.
3. Is a god damn trucker.

Cons:

1. May or may not have actually plugged a guy before.
2. Gets distracted by Gracie Law easily.
3. Doesn’t have a Six Demon Bag like his buddy Egg.

Snake Plissken

Pros:

1. Huge arsenal of weapons that rarely run out of bullets.
2. Will kill anything, anywhere, anytime he wants.
3. Highly skilled in Urban and Close Quarter Combat; perfect for the space restraints of Thunderdome.

Cons:

1. Often carrying a bug or a virus that may negatively affect his ability to kill everything in sight.
2. Is usually under arrest and unable to leave prison except to help the President.
3. He only has one eye. Can you say, “depth perception?”

And there you have it. If nothing else, an extremely awesome match up wouldn’t you say? I’m not sure who would win, to be honest. I think they’re both fine warriors that would fuck you and me both up anyday of the week if we looked at them crooked.

Who do you think would win?

Add your vote in the comments below and say why, if you like.